she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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