I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
