So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
