I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
