You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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