I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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