I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
