Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
