Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have feelings that need drinking.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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