Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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