Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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