I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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