she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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