fuck your aforementioned shoe
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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