I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
