I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
