So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
