She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
