Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
