i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
