hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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