Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
