I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize