I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
