You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
