Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
