Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
