i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize