marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
