dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
