The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
