So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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