It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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