My sheets look like a crime scene.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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