he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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