Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
