Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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