i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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