You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
