there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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