A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dignity is for republicans.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
