i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
