I just pynch a tree in the face
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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