Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
