If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
