We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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