I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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