also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
