please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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