You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
