Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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