he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize