Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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