I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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