i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
