Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
