party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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