I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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