new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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