You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
