the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
