I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
