She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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